I read a quote this week by Brene Brown that really touched me.
“Owning our story and loving ourselves through the process is the bravest thing that we will ever do”.
I always tell my clients at the beginning of our journey together how much I admire them for taking the journey with me, as it is a very brave and courageous growth journey to explore the corners of our mind.
I remember when the penny dropped for me; that day that I was reading through some old diaries that were mainly dedicated to my various relationships at the time, and realising that I was the common denominator and it was my perceptions that were the common repeating pattern within all of them.
It was a difficult thing to admit. Up until that point I had thought it was all about them. I thought I was always picking the “same types” and yet had I looked at them on paper they couldn’t have been more different.
And yet the same patterns kept repeating themselves. Different characters, same stories.
I wonder if there is anywhere in your life that, if you stopped to reflect, you would notice this? Maybe at work? Maybe within your family relationships?
The thing is we are always working from the same template and with the same dynamics- until we become conscious of them that is, and then we can make a choice to do something differently.
But this is where, I think, it is an incredibly brave move. Up until then we have most likely been pointing the finger of blame at the outside world, but remember when you are pointing one finger forward, there are three more pointing back at you.
When I left my marriage, and let’s be honest when most people leave their marriages, it is because there was a sense that the marriage is not “making me happy” anymore. We are pointing the finger of blame at the marriage. But do we stop to consider whether it is our template that needs updating or our dynamic that we need to look at? Let me explain-
We all have a story that forms our template- mine is the story of Alison.
She was born in 1963, and she came into the world with various ancestral patterns, and then between birth and now, circumstances and life have happened that have become part of her story. She, as the main character in this particular story, has decided what those circumstances have meant to her, what effect they have had on her, how she has had to respond to them in order to avoid suffering and get the most positive outcomes. She developed tactics and strategies for getting what she wanted, and her needs met- things that looked like they worked for her and kept her safe. And she lived like that for most of her adult life. Thinking she was responding to the outside world.
And then she came across a new understanding, that blew her frikkin mind!
She found out that it was her story about what she believed things mean that was creating her experience of the outside world. The outside world wasn’t causing her feelings, it was how she was shaping the raw materials of her outside world, based on what she believe to be true that was the cause of her feelings.
And how she saw the outside world and whether she decided it was causing her to feel good feelings or bad feelings was based entirely on her thinking about it, how she was mentally shaping it to look like, and not what was there!
It many ways when I first understood this there was a sense of relief. It was a sense that if I and my DNA have been creating THIS then I can create something else. But there was also an underlying feeling that for all that time I had been blaming other people, who were also caught up in their stories and acting from their templates, that I had some responsibility for how things had played out and I could no longer point the finger of blame.
And this is where the quote, “Owning our story and loving ourselves through the process is the bravest thing that we will ever do” is pointing too.
It takes courage to look at our beliefs.
Belief is the attitude we have whenever we take something to be the case or regard it as the truth.
It takes courage to admit that maybe our beliefs about other people, about how we have felt treated, about our interpretation of life or who we think we are and what we are capable of might not be true. And it takes courage, love and compassion to hold our self through that process.
Despite the fact that there are three fingers pointing back at us we are not to blame. We have simply got caught up in a misunderstanding based on what we have grown up in “our story” believing to be true and therefore what we have programmed ourselves with to look out for in the future.
Beliefs are like the branches of a tree. We have one core belief from which all others grow.
For most people the core belief is that we are not “enough” in some way- not loveable enough, not clever enough, not good enough, not attractive enough. I do wonder if when the cord is cut between us and our Mothers somehow it is installed in us that we were not enough, and therefore separation occurred.
Now obviously we all have to grow up as separate beings. It would look a bit odd if we were wandering around in the world still connected to each other by our umbilical cords!! God, what a tangle we would get in. But there is something about the whole standing on our own two feet and making our way in the world on our own, gradually weaning ourselves off our parents and into our own independence that requires us to have the courage to be enough. Requires us to become our own protectors and our own providers, to become our own parents and not to remain in an unconscious state of feeling “pissed off” because others aren’t doing that for us anymore when they “should” be, and unconsciously carrying that into adult life.
And if life doesn’t work out quite how we thought it would, if relationships don’t go the way we had hoped, if our finances aren’t quite how we would like them, if our career doesn’t map out as we had imagined, if our future doesn’t look how we wanted it too, this the evidence of what our beliefs are- and that takes a lot of courage to look at and admit to ourselves.
I remember that when I left my marriage one of my overriding feelings was that I would not be able to grow up and stand on my own two feet unless I left. I was married at 20 and yet to this day I have never actually lived on my own. But at the time it looked like I had to press the self destruct button in order for this to be the case, in order that I could get the opportunity to feel enough.
Knowing what I know now I know that wasn’t true. It was a belief.
And that is what I help my clients to see. So often they don’t know what their beliefs are and how they are shaping their world and it looks to them as if the outside world needs to change in order that they feel better about it and feel better about themselves.
They don’t know what their target seeking mechanisms are or what subconscious stories they are running and together, we gently look at their lives and the evidence that is right under their noses and we reveal the background template and energetics that they are creating from.
Steve Chandler says, “Unless you go to a place you cannot leave it” and that has stuck in my mind. Unless we reveal our unconscious thinking patterns we cannot leave them behind. We might think we can create change in our life, but we are in opposition to our nervous system and the energetics of resistance in our bodies- the reason that most change therapies and self-help books don’t work.
More simply, until we recognise that we are creating our experience moment to moment it is always going to look the same and we will always feel like the victim in our story.
And frankly, at this time in our evolution and that of our planet there isn’t time anymore for us to be victims.
We have to become the creators of a new story, for our growth and for the growth of humanity.