One of the greatest causes of unhappiness in our life is the thinking we believe when we are blaming another for what they have done to hurt or inconvenience us in some way. When life has not gone how we felt that it should. There is a believing of them/life against us and in that we feel a sense of victim-hood.
I have pretty radical views on forgiveness, it was something I learnt at a very young age- to always believe that everyone is always doing the best that they can with the emotional resources they have, and it has served me well.
I was adopted as a baby and so was someone else I know. The thoughts that arose in me as a small child were that my Mother loved me and had done what she thought was the best thing in the circumstances, and I chose to believe in that thought all my life.
My adopted friend, on the other hand, chose to believe something entirely different. I cannot tell you how many hours of emotional toxicity and suffering she has endured as a result of the anger, blame, hatred, rejection and detrimental sense of self she has lived under the influence of, just by believing a her thoughts. What she made up to believe and took seriously has created much suffering for her.
We have often spoken about the fact that we are both adopted and how the same act shaped our lives in totally different ways by what we believed to be the “truth” about it. The way it effected our lives had nothing to do with being adopted and everything to do with the thinking we have taken seriously about the fact that we are adopted. All of the feelings generated from that point were completely created from within.
Yes things happen in our lives that we would rather hadn’t happened but we have a choice what we do with those memories. We can carry them forward through time and space and keep the pain in our present moment or we can forgive, and break free from our self-made emotional prison.
When we learn to forgive and fall out of our thinking we can often see the influence of the innocent misunderstandings that others are living under. When we forgive and get quiet, we access our wisdom and know what to do next and swap that feeling of victimhood for empowerment.
Forgiveness can seem a step too far for some and another thing “to do” that we are failing at. Forgiveness is not a doing it is a way of being. “I am forgiving vs I am doing forgiveness”. If it doesn’t feel to be who you are right now just take the first step and stop feeding the fire. Rather than aiming your energy at another take that energy within and give yourself love and keep on giving that love until the soothing you receive allows all the thinking to drop away.
And with that love comes peace.