Clients often say to me that they feel the need to set boundaries to stop someone taking advantage of them, so they can feel confident in saying a behaviour is not okay, to avoid the injustice of accusations and because it looks like being able to do that can create a feeling of inner confidence.
Contained within all of that there is still a mistaken belief that people, events and circumstances have the ability to create the bad feelings they wish to avoid and that by having strategies in place they can manage and control feelings, that look as if they are coming from the words and actions of others. There is also a mistake about where feelings of inner confidence come from (the clue is in the word “inner”!) In fact the only place that our feelings come from, including our inner confidence for that matter, is our capacity to think and the principle of thought taking on a form in the moment.
To explain further-
We live in a sea of happenings. There is life unfolding, words being said, events taking place, people taking actions, and this goes on all around us and will vary for each of us dependent upon who’s lives we are interwoven with.
Then there is an “us” with the capacity for thought and a sense of who we are in the middle of it all.
We place our self in amongst all these happenings and, via thought, we create a relationship between us and the content of what is happening, which creates a form that is then perceived as having some influence over our happiness. The idea that we hold about our self appears to need protection from “an outside world”…hence the desire for boundaries, and we live with the innocently mistaken belief that all of these happenings can influence or affect our well being.
In this moment we have lost sight of who we really are…. and have an idea that it all matters, and is to be taken seriously.
The idea that we hold of our self is prone to feelings of fear, rejection, shame, guilt and sadness and that “character”, the one we believe our self to be, “made up” of up to date conditioning and programming, needs constant reassurance that if it knows what is happening in it’s world and if it can limit any damage to self then it will be ok and it’s peace of mind can be protected.
In simple terms there is a sense of “I am going to be eaten alive by this monster, therefore I need to keep it at bay”. But where is the monster? what monster? and who will be eaten?
The monster is made of thought. The meaning given to the monster is made of thought. The perceived effects of the monster is made of thought. The one that will be affected is made of thought. We are experiencing our thinking 100% of the time. Nothing else. That is the magic trick. It is the drama and the antics of the mind.
What would happen if you abandoned all notions of needing to save or protect yourself from something and let go of the unnecessary struggling. Who actually is the enemy and who actually is the monster…and where are they then?
They dissolve, because they never existed in the first place. The monster was us all along.
Who we really are remains unaffected by external events and circumstances, by letters of the alphabet arranged in a certain way to create words that we give so much weight and power too…..to repeat….that we give so much weight and power too and in that giving they have an effect, but we are creating the cause and the effect at the same time….not something outside of us. We create the trigger and then pull it!
Who we really are is a core peaceful awareness that with persistence, or in the next moment, will begin to be felt and noticed as an inner vibration and with increasing ease and joy. I sometimes think of it as an inner smile and a knowing….like a delicious secret that when all around is ranting, just sits there smiling, totally unaffected by the noise.
I’m not saying that we should allow behaviours that are physically damaging to us. What I am saying is that when we understand our psychological well being and that our sense of unbroken peace of mind can remain unaffected by others then we are able to use our discernment as to what we want in our lives and make changes from a place of wisdom rather than emotional reaction.