Thinking about relationships and relating today…..noticing how at times I find it quite challenging to be of this world…..noticing how sometimes just being in conversation and the way people use their words I find difficult. Noticing how hard I find it when others don’t or won’t own their stuff….how hard I find it even to be around generalizations- people saying “we all do this don’t we”- ummmm, well no, I don’t!
Noticing more and more how I am the sum of others projections, we all are the sum of each others projections, or am I generalizing now! Maybe you are not; maybe this is just my experience!
It may be that because I am someone who has been exposed to a lot of narcissistic behaviour in my life that I am more sensitive to what others can just brush off and agree with, however, every time somebody asks me to be in agreement with their projection of me I find myself on the defensive…..but how can I tell them “you are wrong about me” because they are not!
Their view is entirely their view, what they see, feel and experience about everyone in their world is true for them. I will always look at myself and what someone has said, deeply, and if it doesn’t resonate with me then by the law of mirrors it is more about them and their projections and not about me at all.
To quote Byron Katie- Someone says that they love me, and I say “Thank you.” Someone says that they hate me, and I say “Thank you.” It’s their story. What do I have to do with it?
So, bringing that back to me, that means I also have to look at what I am projecting on to others, what I am believing about others and taking it forward, how to create all that I wish to experience differently…..which is healthy relationships, each owning our own “stuff”, acknowledging that there is no right and there is no wrong and that it is ok to be different, there is only what is right for each of us and if that is a match, then great and if it is not then that is also ok but I may make a different choice in how I relate to them- reclaiming my power for what I allow in and for what I do.
When I started writing this, this morning, up popped the following on face book-
“If you wish to experience peace provide peace for another” Dalai Lama…. and I guess this is the key.
I am starting to learn that if I don’t want to receive the behaviour I have to stop doing the behaviour.
I have to be what I want to receive in all the relationships I have and although that may cause ripples as I adjust how I relate, and ultimately what frequency I vibrate on, and some people may come and go in my life, in the long term it is worth it. In essence a work towards getting out of ego based relationships and into heart based ones.
I believe if we want to receive love we have to be the love. If we want to feel more loved we have to love ourselves more. It all starts within and the most important relationship we have in this life is with ourself.
One of the things I have worked with, that I have found to be useful, following years of abusive relationships, that ultimately have been me self abusing as I have allowed them, is this-
I am not who they told me I am…………repeat as many times as is helpful……. I am not who they told me I am.
I did this in a self induced hypnotic trance state, and allowed my sub-conscious to sort it. It has been helpful to me in clearing off the effects of others projections and I offer it in case it may be helpful to you.
Two years later, and… My coaching is now based on The Three Principles – a description of how human beings actually work, as proposed by Sydney Banks! Why? Well, essentially it’s about getting the client to see, for themselves, the inside out nature of the human experience. Because seeing (and feeling) the truth that life works from the Inside Out IS truly transformational!