Living with unresolved emotion
Our mind tells us lies probably several times in a day. In order to protect our heart, our mind tells us that if we trust we will be let down, if we love we will be hurt, if we commit we will be trapped, if we give we will be taken advantage of, if we try we will fail, etc.and many, many more, but how much truth is there in any of these statements?
Well, the chances are that once there was some truth in it! I had a client who was finding it difficult to really trust men. In the very first relationship she had with a man he cheated on her. She is now 36 and has had a string of relationships with men whom she since hasn’t been able to trust and because of this she has created, unconsciously, scenarios where she thinks her inability to trust has been vindicated. In other words, being overwhelmed by the first experience of abuse of trust, and having brought these feelings into every relationship since, what to most would be an innocent comment or look, to her brings back unpleasant unresolved feelings of pain and hurt. She said to me “I simply will never be able to trust another man again”. I asked her “Is this true?”
Now, of course it is not true, but for as long as she believes it is and doesn’t deal with her feelings about it, it will be to her. Her unresolved feelings around what happened 18 years ago has coloured her judgement of every man she has met since and blocked her from experiencing a fulfilling and happy relationship.
We can’t go though life avoiding unpleasant experiences or life lessons, but how can we take from them what we need at the time to review our actions and how we may have contributed to what happened and not then approach our future reacting as if we believe these unhelpful thoughts? Well, I think the key to this is forgiveness, both for ourself and the other person involved. For as long as we resent someone we cannot let it go, until we forgive we cannot move on.
Now, admittedly, there are times when fear serves us and is helpful. When crossing the road, when near fire etc; anything that poses a real danger to our well-being, but when we have stored away a fear that is an imaginary threat to our well-being and apply it to everything that resembles that in the future we are taking a view that is not based on any truth and we end up listening to the lies our mind tells us, blocking out communication from our heart.
Unresolved emotion is often felt as a physical sensation – a quickening of the heart, a feeling in the pit of your stomach, a tension in your shoulders, a welling up of tears. When you next feel any of these discomforts stop and ask yourself “Is what I am feeling true about now? Does what I am feeling belong to this present moment or does it belong to something from the past?” “Is my mind about to tell me a lie about what to expect next that is going to effect the way I act?” “How would I act without this thought?” and lastly, but most importantly “What do I feel in my heart?”.
Using Transpersonal Hypnotherapy we went back to that first time she was let down. She had her chance to say to her then boyfriend what she had wanted to say at the time but didn’t get the opportunity too, to tell him how he had hurt her and how it had affected the rest of her life and she listened to him and his reasons. She found a resolution in that his unfaithfulness was nothing to do with anything that was “wrong” about her, he apologized and she forgave him, and more importantly she forgave herself for all of those times in the future that she had cheated herself out of love. Employing the techniques of NLP we then travelled forward through the years from 18 and all those past relationships looking at how she would have behaved differently if she had resolved the emotion the first time around, how she could have made more appropriate decisions knowing what she now knew and she noticed all the ways things could have been different had she let go of the past. Following this process she now feels ready to love and to trust again, to listen to her heart and not her mind.
Unresolved emotion flares up sometimes as anger too. If you find yourself getting angry and, in hindsight, it is not an appropriate or reasonable response to what is actually happening, then the chances are there was a time when you were not heard and there is something from your past still living/playing out in your present; when you were hurt and you haven’t ‘forgiven, when you resented and couldn’t speak out, when you have had to bury your feelings and pretend to the world or yourself that you were ok.The only way to peace is to resolve these old emotions so that they don’t dominate your daily reactions and create more bad choices.
Forgiveness is not always easy. Sometimes the hurt and pain of others actions is too great for us to fully forgive, but until we do more than just pay lip service to forgiveness and really feel in our heart the love and willingness to accept that we can begin to forgive and release the hold it has over us, we will remain stuck and we will keep hold of the hurt and pain long after the other person has left our lives and has forgotten about what they did. They will have moved on, we will have trapped ourselves in an old memory.
Don’t let your past ruin your future and don’t rely on others to “prove you wrong”. Forgive yourself, love yourself and release yourself.
~~~
DID YOU KNOW?… The Three Principles based approach to coaching I now follow is all about getting you to see, for yourself, the inside out nature of the human experience. And seeing (and feeling) that life works from the Inside Out is truly transformational!
~~~