Transpersonal LifeCoaching

Alison Heather Sutton

07713 626673

How to rid yourself of toxic people FOREVER

I hate to break this to you folks, but I could actually rename this article “How to rid yourself of Unicorns forever” because in the same way as Unicorns don’t exist…….neither do toxic people!

I know from some Facebook research that people believe they exist, (toxic people, not Unicorns)…so here is my version of reality to offer an alternative view point. It may be quite controversial…. what I say often is, I’m used to that, but give it a go with an open mind and see what you think after reading this. I would love to hear if my offering of fresh new thought makes a shift in how you see the world.

So here we go…….

Saying that toxic people exist and that they have a magical power to affect how we feel, is like saying a comfort blanket has the ability to soothe us and make us feel better- it is giving a thing or a person, outside of our self, super powers to create a feeling inside our self and we know with an “adult head on” that is just not possible. It is our beliefs/thoughts about what the comfort blanket represents that makes us feel a feeling.

There are just people and circumstances, and the felt effects of their personality lies only in our idea of who we think they are in relation to us, and the meaning we give them from our “personal” self that, from those thoughts, create a feeling.

Let’s break this down into really simple chunks on which I will expand-

  1. People are always doing the best they can with their emotional resources, what they believe to be true and what’s going on in their own heads in any given moment.
  2. There is no such thing as a “type” of person, unless we have decided that is what/who they are.
  3. Anything outside our “self” cannot create an internal emotion- as much as it may look that way!
  4. The ultimate truth.

1. Babies are not born bad. Life/shit happens to them which effects their view of the world and as an adult they act out from that place. We develop strategies, that play out as our behaviours, to get through life that are always serving us, even if it is a negative outcome for others there will always be a positive in it for us. Supposed toxic people are said to be narcissistic, love drama, want to control everything. These are all coping mechanisms based on fear.

A long time ago I was in a relationship with a man who had narcissistic personality disorder. His behaviours were appalling. He was controlling, secretive, flirtatious, punishing and argumentative- and those were his good points.

In truth what he actually was, was hideously insecure. All the behaviours he demonstrated, and all the strategies he used unwittingly, were designed to help him feel better and avoid suffering.

If he was controlling he was in charge= felt safe. If he was flirtatious he was desirable to others and felt loved, and therefore wouldn’t end up on his own= felt safe. If he was punishing I was diminished and wouldn’t leave him= he felt safe. If he was argumentative, and he ALWAYS thought he was right, then in his rightness, he felt safe.

He was totally confused about where his feelings came from, or that he even needed to attempt to control his outside world in order to feel a better feeling. He had a difficult childhood and, via thought, he was bringing that in to every future relationship because he didn’t know any better- getting the woman he loved to prove she wasn’t going to leave him.

Of course, they always did though because although he thought the behaviours got him what he wanted that wasn’t the case! The behaviours looked like they had a positive benefit to him, but they were pushing people away.

His behaviours were hideous but I could see through them, through his pain, to his soul, and therefore could love him.

He was living in one of the biggest human misunderstandings of all time– that a feeling of safety, or any other type of feeling for that matter, can be gained outside his mind- which is the source of all our painful feelings and our pleasurable ones.

For a while, until I knew better, I believed that it was “him” and his behaviours creating my bad feeling too, but it wasn’t. It was my capacity to think and give meaning to his behaviours and their “detrimental” affect on me that created my bad feelings.

My pain came from thought in the moment, in the same way as it did for him. My pain did not come from him, in the same way as his pain did not come from me, even though it really looked that way. Some days I could shrug it off, drop out of my thinking about it and be fine. Other days, my insecure thought would get the better of me and I confused where my feeling of safety came from too!

I didn’t know how our human experience worked in those days! I didn’t know that only I could create my feelings; I didn’t know I had innate wellbeing dependent on nothing; I didn’t know that I was always ok no matter what circumstances happened in my life.


2.Types of people- I bet there is someone you know who you have defined to be a certain “type” but other people don’t see it and think they are something completely different. This is because we operate out of our personal thought bias and our filters moment to moment. Who someone is to us, might be totally different to who they are to someone else.

Via our capacity to think we make a decision about what we think about a person, what we think of their behaviours, even what we think of the way they look at us and what that means in relation to us, and from that we define them.

But it’s all thought based, not reality based. It’s a point of view- a perspective born from thought. Born from our insecurity where we have lost sight of the true nature of who we are as infinite creative potential inhabiting a human body.

There is a belief in a character (who we think we are) that needs to be protected from pain, and we do all manner of ungodly things in order to serve that character.


3.We create each and every version of our human experience. Life happens. We apply a meaning to it and consequently feel a feeling as a result. Life is not causing the feelings, our capacity to think and project those thoughts on to circumstances and give them a meaning that is personal to us, create our experience, not the thing itself.

I received an email today…..lots actually. They are just words on a screen. As it happens the words in one of them were very exciting to me. But they were just words. The meaning I gave the words created the feeling I then had. Not the words themselves. That is not possible. If someone else had read them there would be nothing in them that would excite anyone else. But because my thinking tells me they are exciting words, then I feel exciting feelings!

Thought is the one true source of all feelings- whether the thought is conscious or unconscious, fleeting or habitual, it is all thought created.

My husband is away at the moment and has been for 10 days. In the past I used to feel very insecure and think it was because he was away and what that might mean about what he was doing and how that could affect me, that meant I  felt that way. This time I don’t feel like that because my thinking is not generating insecure thoughts.

I am also taking a flight tomorrow to go on holiday. It isn’t the flight that creates my feeling of happiness. Someone else might be taking that same flight to see a sick relative and they feel sad. The flight is not creating feelings. Our capacity to think is.


4.The ultimate truth-

People can only be seen and felt as toxic if that is the meaning we have applied to them, in relation to us. They have no ability to make us feel a certain way unless we give them that power via thought…..and there will always be someone who loves them- one man’s toxic is another man’s harmless. This doesn’t mean we have to live with behaviours that are not what we want in our life, it just means our bad feelings don’t come from the behaviours.

Ultimately we are all doing our best, working within the limited character we believe we are, with all our insecure thoughts.

Ultimately underneath the idea we have of who we are is a being that is innately whole, connected, creative and at peace and there is nothing that can disturb that.

Ultimately, on a deep energetic level we are all connected. One consciousness experiencing. It is our idea of a separate self and a separate reality, creating an experience that looks like it needs protecting that causes our fearful feelings.

If we all really knew we were living in a thought projected universe and that it was perfectly possible to look at life through the eyes of love and compassion we could create a whole other world where only love existed and toxicity became as much of a fantasy as a Unicorn.

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