So, I wanted to write about our point of focus today, what we give our attention too and you may be wondering why I feel “qualified” to do so.
Where thought goes energy flows, as the old saying so rightly says. I can say this with conviction as I experienced it so profoundly myself and why I feel able to offer self-empowering healing tools to others from an authentic heart space, having gone there myself first.
In doing so, I am choosing to share a very personal journey that began over a year ago and ended around May 2012. It was a very deep and dark experience for me that I share here with you to illustrate, in the most meaningful way I can, how important it is where our point of focus is and what beliefs we are feeding with our energy.
The relationship I refer to in this ended in June last year and we are now friends. Maybe sharing it here is giving it final death and re-birthing it as the deep learning it was.
I guess you could say my healing journey began 50 years ago when I was adopted. My “birth-day”, supposed to be one of the most joyous occasions for all involved was somewhat different for me and all those concerned. I was adopted; an experience that defies a developing baby’s brain capacity to integrate and since then I have lived in constant vigilance trying to organize everything and everyone around me in order that I felt as safe as I could, but in reality having lived a life of fear. My world was an unsafe place.
There is much more I have learnt and could write about this experience but for now I will write about how it was affecting me in the present.
Separation victims are very well practiced at sabotaging relationships. There is a desperate yearning for intimacy and yet an intense fear of allowing that kind of connection. I had been scared that my real self was defective in some way. I had no self value and questioned constantly my competence, identity, worthiness and relatedness. My experience had distorted my reality and I would feel rejected if everyone didn’t see the world as I did!
It is in our closest relationships that we are provided with the greatest clues about ourselves, and presented with our greatest mirrors, and I had come to realize that the relationship I was in had become co-dependent and destructive. What I hadn’t realized however was that I was in a co-dependent relationship with myself.
I had started noticing and working on my separation trauma after a re-birthing ceremony and I had been focusing more and more on my separation from my Mother. This had led to me seeing it as the physical manifestation of my Soul’s separation from my Mother/Creator and the more I focused on this and gave it my attention the more disconnected from life I felt.
The Universe had been trying to get my attention by sending me clues and signs that I had just not been noticing- every time I would look at the time it was a double number! 10.10 or 20.20 etc! It became laughable! In fact when I was recounting this the other day I looked at the time after and it was 23.32 – an exact mirror image! It had been trying to tell me to look in the mirror, that everything outside me was a reflection of everything inside myself.
Of course, I knew the theory! I had read all the books, I was working with others helping them but it took a crisis in my life to make me stop and really understand.
Things had got really bad in the relationship I was in. We were arguing constantly. Hand on heart I can still say I don’t feel I was the person who started the arguments but I always jumped into defence mode and would need to constantly explain myself and my theories and my reflexes had become out of control. After every such event, when we had made up, I thought – Phew, survived another one! We were playing the game of victim and victor and nothing was turning out as I had planned. I was living with a very angry man and spent most of my time in tears, despite the fact that I loved him very much. It came as a real shock when I found a diary from about 2 years previously and realized that this was a repeating pattern, and that where I found myself today was where I had been with another a few years before, and before that and before that!
It began to sink in that I was the common denominator and so I must be creating/attracting this!
I had felt there was nothing I couldn’t cope with, that I could manage my life perfectly and those of anyone else around me who would allow me too. My motivation was always to feel safe and although in my mind I felt I was looking after people it came as a shock to realize that I had been trying to control them for my own benefit. I had decided that I could look after everyone because I knew what was best for them, even if they couldn’t see it that way! I analyzed others reactions constantly in an effort to understand and feel safe with what they were doing but it just caused me more and more hurt and pain and fear. I thought nothing of telling the whole world what was wrong with everyone else and I was ready to make everyone else address their issues and do the right thing. I got to the point that I recognized I had a lot of “stuff” but compared to others I felt aware and that nothing could really get the better of me, it was everyone else that needed to become aware and change and I wasn’t shy in telling my partner this!!
I had decided that unless my partner changed I could no longer live with him. I had reached new levels of understanding and felt I was ready to embark on doing my “work” but felt it was futile if he didn’t do the same. He moved out temporarily because it became unbearable to live in the tension and anxiety. This was probably the greatest gift he could have given me.
We had agreed to have some mediation to see if we could improve our communication, essentially to find a way of surviving living together! I knew that within the mediation I would have to say how I was feeling and this really was my turning point as I began to strip back everything to myself and really for the first time ever notice not only where my feelings were coming from but actually allowed myself to feel uncomfortable unsafe feelings.
Working as I do with sub-personalities the easiest way for me to understand them was as follows – My wounded child self was fed up with fighting the bully who picked on me and argued with me all the time. My teenage self was so confused that there was a man who said he loved me who was still flirting all the time with others, my adult self was really not around very much, but most of all my adapted child self was hurting beyond endurance because no matter how much she was loving and giving it was still never enough and her love was still being rejected. It is worth mentioning here that it was no coincidence that I had attracted a relationship with another childhood trauma victim who had his own set of issues, some incredibly similar and mirrored mine
The night before mediation I had a dream about sheep; an unruly flock of black, brown and white sheep totally out of control because there was no shepherdess, and decided that morning that the sheep represented parts of me and that I would become my own shepherdess and take responsibility for my flock
I had been doing some Hypnotherapy processes, EFT and working a lot on releasing fear. I began meditating and training my mind to stay in the present just by focusing on my breath. I had cut my ties with my partner and to everything that was no longer serving me and my process became the most important thing in my life, beyond anything else. My work was cancelled and I immersed myself in healing. During this time the small amount of knowledge that I have on Quantum Physics came to mind!
I remembered that it is said that something only exists if it is observed, and I began to wonder if in observing my separation from my Mother and from Source it had made it bigger and bigger as more and more of my energy was flowing into it. And it became as simple as that – from then on I decided this was just a set of un-useful beliefs that needed to be let go of, to change my point of focus and choose to notice my connectedness instead!
By this point I had made the connection that everything outside of me was created from inside me and was mirrored everywhere and that every outcome in my life was being created by me, but that I had always been working from the mind set of a survivor. I began to acknowledge and accepted that I was powerless in controlling the lives of others and that in trying to control my own life it had become unmanageable and that I had to surrender to the process. I surrendered my control and trusted in Goddess and woke up to the fact that self responsibility was the only way growth was possible. I re looked at my mental, emotional, spiritual and physical self and identified my feelings and realized I was the one who was causing myself pain and at that point became willing to take responsibility for myself and my reactions to others, for my own feelings, mistakes and successes and my part in our relationship.
I trusted that I could just let go of the hurt that I caused and received myself through forgiveness and apologized to my partner, and to myself, in a more heartfelt way than ever before, for I now saw that in hurting myself I had been hurting him too. The mirroring and the ripple effect made me further realize that we are all connected and that even though my Mother was physically absent I could not possibly be disconnected from her and that my soul didn’t need to return to source to feel connected, it just was!
When I became willing to surrender my old attitudes and beliefs, to surrender to feeling the feelings and relinquished my need to control then I accessed the power to change myself and my relationship to self and others. I became empowered to change my life and create one defined by experiences of love, joy and peace, instead of fear, sadness and pain.
I left behind the story of survivor and became creator, connected to and related to my creator, my Mother and the greater Creatrix – Goddess. In knowing this sense of connection now I feel it is my responsibility to not only create my own happiness but that in doing so I am adding to the collective happiness, and that this healing has been not just for this lifetime but for my ancestors and my future generations and in liberating myself I have liberated them.
Our authentic self comes from a true understanding of our own emotions and expressing them clearly without the old patterns of behaviour or response. I am on the way to achieving this. Sometime I get it wrong but I now think how could I have done that better, in a more healthy way.
I have learnt that true healing comes from being conscious, from self reflection and from our loving connection to self and others. I have been incredibly lucky to have tools to use in my process that I have acquired over the years of my training that played a big part in what essentially was a 2 week ritual of healing and to have a very good friend who came to stay for 2 days with me who is a trained councillor and who brought pink feather boas for us to play with, as I learnt to not take life so seriously.
I repeat, where thought goes energy flows. I experienced this again last night and sometimes it really is just so simple- If we invest all our thoughts and energy in one direction we cut off our possibility of experiencing something else and all it takes is just to turn your head and notice something different.
Two years later, and… My coaching is now based on The Three Principles – a description of how human beings actually work, as proposed by Sydney Banks! Why? Well, essentially it’s about getting the client to see, for themselves, the inside out nature of the human experience. Because seeing (and feeling) the truth that life works from the Inside Out IS truly transformational!